You’re Probably Ruining Your Sex Life - 17 harmful myths about sex you probably still believe
Sex is amazing when you let it happen naturally and go with the flow. However, very few people can even do that because of the sexual scripts we've been taught our whole lives. Those problematic sexual expectations are carried into porn and even sex education in our schools. If you want to learn how to have the best sex of your life, you first need to unlearn everything you think you "know" about sex.
These sex myths are the reason why we have the orgasm gap. They're why so many people struggle to experience orgasm with their partners. They're why you feel disappointed after most if not all sexual interaction.
What can you do?
Unlearning these expectations and adjusting your expectations are the most critical steps. Spread the word, spread the news, and help us change the world. This is the real sex campaign, and we can't talk about it enough.
All products recommended are personally selected by me, Elaine S. Turner. I choose them and genuinely believe in them. However, this article may contain affiliate links. That means if you use that link to buy a product, I may earn a small affiliate commission, or tip, as I like to see it. You can learn more here if you have any questions about my affiliate policy.
17 of the most harmful sexual myths
To start the journey to having the best sex of your life, the first step is unlearning everything you "know" about sex.
Obviously, hang onto critical bits like where things go - but that's really about it.
By deleting these old files, you're making space on your mental hard drive. That space should be used for valuable and helpful advice about how to have the best sex of your life.
These may be challenging, especially when someone else comes to you telling you the opposite. Just let them know that you've been taught by a Certified Sexologist how to have the best sex and move on with your day.
Sex myth #1: Everybody is doing it
"Everybody is having sex." This mantra was untrue in high school, and it is false now.
You may look at your friend's relationships and think that they must be having great sex all the time. But, behind closed doors, they likely haven't been intimate in ages. Or they are both longing to branch out into some experimental areas.
Not everyone has sex all the time.
The majority of the human population goes through regular dry spells.
Constantly comparing the amount of sex you're having everyone else, you will continue to feel bad about yourself.
Stop doing that!
You're on a journey.
Have as much or as little as you and your partner(s) want. That is a critical discussion to have.
Sex myth #2: Everyone knows what they're doing
If this was true, we definitely wouldn't be writing this list!
This harmful expectation tends to fall on men the most.
Men are expected to know everything about sex because they simply think about it slightly more often than women. In reality, you learn about sex through research and "fieldwork," if you know what we mean.
If you want to have the best sex of your life, it takes (at least) two to tango.
Talk about what you like, what you don't enjoy, and things you'd like to try.
The best sex happens when you're honest about what you want. That way, your partner isn't expected to read your mind.
Sex myth #3: If you need lube, there's something wrong with you
If you're not using sexual lubricant, go buy some.
Lubricant is what makes sex frictionless, enjoyable, and longer-lasting.
We often learn (incorrectly) from porn that women's arousal is defined by the amount of lubrication they make naturally.
In reality, some women are naturally dryer than others.
It is problematically rare that enough foreplay happens for a woman to maximize her vaginal lubrication. Rarely, it isn't enough for sex to last longer than a few minutes.
Also, remember that if you want to have sex for more than a few minutes, you're definitely going to need some more lubrication.
If you're unsure which lube is right for you, check out our entire article here.
Sex myth #4: Sex should last as long as possible
Definitely not.
Again, thanks to porn expectations, we're all taught that the best sex lasts for hours and hours.
In fact, you should go all night long! Not.
We can't think of anything more exhausting than that.
On average, sex usually lasts anywhere from 3-7 minutes.
For most, that's plenty of time!
That statistic only considers the actual penis-in-vagina/anus sex rather than the whole sexual experience.
For men who last a long time in bed, you may actually have an issue with delayed ejaculation. If that's the case, you may need some professional support.
Penetrative sex is just part of the sexual experience. It shouldn't always be viewed as the main course.
Sex myth #5: It should look like a porno
Absolutely not.
The famous quote goes,:
"Learning how to have sex from porn is like learning how to drive from watching the Fast and the Furious."
You're not learning the right lessons, and you're watching a harmful idealized version of events that just isn't what happens.
Real sex requires conversation.
Real sex has queefs.
Real sex means things get messy and wet.
Real sex means you don't get outtakes or post-production editing.
Once you realize that porn is a caricature of sex, you'll start having the best sex of your life.
Sex myth #6: Both partners should orgasm
Not only this, but both partners should orgasm at the same time.
Focusing on orgasm during sex is ridiculous.
What's the point of the rest of the time if you focus on a few seconds?
What was the rest of it for?
If you want to have amazing sex, you need to listen to your body and follow its cues.
You need to submit yourself to the experience and stop focusing on what "ends" the sexual journey.
Bear in mind that aligning these moments of orgasm for two people is also nearly impossible. For some, an orgasm only lasts a second or two.
For others, it may be up to fifteen seconds or more!
Regardless, it's a tiny window of opportunity that takes incredible serendipity and communication.
Sex myth #7: If it's meant to be-it'll be electric
Even the most compatible couples who stand the test of time can have terrible sex.
Sex isn't something anyone is "naturally" good at. Even when you think you're good at it with one partner, you may be lousy with the next!
Amazing sex happens due to ongoing communication, experimentation, and mindfulness. Expecting to find out if your partner is "the one" from electric sex will be a disappointing experience.
Instead, look at the first time as unpredictable and likely lousy because it is!
Sex myth #8: The guy should always be able to "rise to the occasion" easily
Erections are temperamental even at the best of times.
No matter how attractive they find you, they may still struggle to have a rock-hard erection. In fact, he may find you intimidating, which could be the cause of the issue!
Men also get nervous and get "performance anxiety" when they're expected to rise to the occasion immediately.
Many things could be happening to prevent the penis from staying fully erect.
Be understanding and compassionate instead of freaking out and assuming this means something about you. Try doing other sexual activities where you can both still get pleasure without the pressure of a rock-hard penis.
You may be surprised that an erection follows when you've relaxed the situation.
Sex myth #9: Foreplay is optional and tedious
No, no, it is not.
Sure, in porn, you learn that clothing disappears, the penis goes straight in, and everyone is ecstatic.
That is an awful way to expect sex to be.
Instead of looking at everything before penetration as "foreplay," look at all of it as "sexual play."
Sex isn't defined by just penis-in-vagina. Instead, it's about the various pleasure-filled activities combined into an erotic experience.
Women need sensual play for at least 30 minutes for things to go smoothly.
It takes time for the clitoral body to get erect. You need an erect clitoris to help create both lubrication and a pleasurable experience.
By taking your time and slowing things down, everyone will have more pleasure.
Sex myth #10: Sex is a performance
Viewing sex as a performance is the most harmful thing you can do to yourself.
Sex needs to be experiential.
There shouldn't be a script.
No robotic movements.
You're taking your mind out of the full-bodied erotic sexual experience by seeing yourself as an actor on a stage. You're forcing yourself to take a spectator's seat.
Without focusing on the sensations in your body, you're unlikely to experience your erotic potential.
Sex myth #11: You shouldn't wait to have sex until … date
Another harmful mantra of the typical dating expert is that you should wait a certain amount of time to have sex.
Apparently waiting means they automatically gain more "respect" for you or something preposterous like that.
Respect should never teeter based on when you decide you want to have sex or not.
Likewise, you shouldn't feel pressured to "put out" because of a certain amount of dates or date-like activities.
If and when you have sex with a partner is entirely up to you to decide.
If you never want to have sex, then just tell them that.
Leading people on equally as harmful as anything else in the dating field.
Just be honest about your desires or lack thereof.
If you want other people to stop wasting your time, stop wasting theirs.
Sex myth #12: Contraception is the woman's responsibility
Just because you're likely to be the one granted full custody by a judge does not mean that contraception falls on you.
Condoms and other barrier methods for sex are always the first frontiers. That responsibility for those and potential hormonal contraception falls on both of you.
It's a conversation that needs to be had explicitly. Both of you are responsible for initiating that conversation before you have sex.
Assuming someone will use a condom or is on birth control can lead to some very unplanned surprises.
Sex myth #13: Using sex toys means something is wrong with you
It's been proven repeatedly that about 75% of women only experience orgasm through clitoral stimulation.
That means women need some kind of stimulation on their clitoris. The bad news is that many men aren't comfortable providing oral to women.
Likewise, many women don't feel comfortable letting men go down on them.
Whatever is going on, it's preventing a lot of pleasure from bubbling right there under the surface.
Adding a sex toy into the equation takes the pressure off the man for having to "provide" an orgasm to his partner. She can take care of business herself or with his help!
Sex toys and vibrators are all tools for helping make sex even better than it already is.
They're not a medical device for the less proficient or the impotent.
Start seeing them as a garnish on a dish at a five-star restaurant.
They add to the whole experience and make it more flavorful and memorable.
Sex myth #14: If you've both been tested, you don't need a condom
Barrier methods are the only form of contraception that helps prevent the spread of STIs, STDs, and BBVs.
Using them helps prevent pregnancy and can reduce your risk for skin-born sexually transmitted infections (STIs) such as herpes or HPV.
Whether you've been tested recently or not, wrap things up to keep everyone involved as safe as possible.
They're also there as an additional form of pregnancy prevention.
Even if you're on hormonal contraceptives, they have a fail rate.
Adding a condom to the experience gives you that extra layer of certainty that you're in control of whether you fall pregnant.
Sex myth #15: Asking about someone's status is uncomfortable and will ruin the mood
Imagining asking someone about the last time they've been tested may feel daunting, if not impossible, to you.
In reality, it's just as calm and casual as you make it out to be.
You deserve to know, and asking shouldn't be awkward. If your partner hasn't been tested recently, politely tell them you'd rather wait until you knew you were safe.
Or, at the very least, use barrier methods to continue the play.
For many people in the modern era, asking about STD results is a massive green flag. It shows your confidence and health consciousness. Plus, if they haven't been, you can always go together!
Talk about a bonding experience.
Sex myth #16: Good sex happens without conversation
The best sex you'll ever have will involve communication, planning, and even laughter.
Planning because you both have time to get excited and think about how you can make the experience hotter.
Communication because your partner will only be able to rock your world if you tell them how you want it rocked.
And laughter because you're human.
Accidents happen. Queefs occur. Whatever it is, laughing it off can help you two feel closer and make the experience a heck of a lot more intimate.
Sex myth #17: You should orgasm from penetrative sex
We've said it a thousand times before, and we'll say it again.
Not everyone orgasms from penetrative sex.
In fact, the minority of women do, only about 25%.
Also, remember that your pleasure zones (like the G-spot) change as you go through your cycle.
Yes, that's right.
You are more or less sensitive, and the areas may even move around.
Your hormones control your sexual experience, and there isn't much you can do about it.
So if you had an A-spot orgasm yesterday, you might not be able to have one tomorrow.
That's not your fault at all.
Just ask your partner to play with your most reliable pleasure button, the clitoris.
These are just the tip of the iceberg. As a sex coach, I run into problematic and harmful sexual expectations daily. Reaching out and helping everyone is worthwhile, but I needs help!
Help make the world sexier and more pleasure-filled by sharing all you've learned from this article.
The real sex campaign
At Sex With Elaine, I’m always trying to rewrite the story of sex in everyone's head.
We live in a world where sex is commercialized and overly fantasized. We've lost sight of what makes sex unique.
The two (or more) people and the connection they have together.
Whether you're going to have sex the first time or the hundredth, do your part in getting rid of these harmful stereotypes. And be confident about your sexual knowledge.
If any of these were new to you, odds are you need some sex re-education. By unlearning some of these harmful myths, you'll learn how to have the best sex of your life.
You can start your sex re-education today by sending me an inquiry to get help with your perspectives on sex.
“Learning how to have sex from porn is like learning how to drive from The Fast and Furious. A blood horrendous idea.”
— Jameela Jamil
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