The End of Bad Dates - 13 questions to determine compatibility
When you're dating, you don't want to waste your time. You may find people you're interested in, but you feel like some aspects of your personality just don't match up. Maybe you can't put your finger on exactly why you're feeling that way. There may be several reasons. To get to the bottom of it, you should ask specific questions to determine compatibility as partners.
This list of questions is far from exhaustive. It's simply a jumping-off point so that you can decide whether this is the best match for you right now.
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What is compatibility?
According to the Oxford Languages dictionary, compatibility has a few definitions.
The first is "A state in which two things can exist or occur together without problems or conflict." This implies that two people who like or love each other work through issues together.
Or the second is "a feeling of sympathy and friendship: like-mindedness." This implies people who are similar that like to be together.
Which one resonates most with you?
There's no wrong answer here.
As you've likely seen with couples you've encountered, not every couple seems to have much in common.
Some are like twins, while others are more like polar opposites that attract like magnets.
When asking these questions to determine your compatibility, you need to be open-minded. Perhaps they're interested in all your favorite things, or they're more likely to enjoy different things than you. Either way, you may be immensely compatible and happy together.
Questions to determine compatibility
You may not have the answers to all of these questions immediately after the first date. Give the man time to show who he really is and develop potential feelings for you.
That takes time and being perceptive. A skill you'll likely have to master over time and experience dating.
Many of these questions to determine compatibility will require you to consider yourself and your needs.
#1 - Are you genuinely interested in getting to know this person, or are you just relationship hunting?
This is likely one of the most important questions you'll ask today.
If you've been single for a while, you may get a little desperate for a relationship.
You're trying to fulfill the human need for security and attachment by settling for someone.
This is what I call "relationship hunting."
You're after a handful of acceptable qualities and then ready to begin a relationship. That's not enough for long-term compatibility.
Pay attention to your mind and behavior when you're out with your date.
Are you actually listening to what he has to say?
Do you like the way he tells stories?
Do you actually care about his background and opinions?
If you find your attention wandering, you may not actually be interested in the person.
We understand why you may be relationship hunting, but it isn't' the best course of action here. You deserve the best, not just the first one who comes along.
#2 - Are they genuinely interested in getting to know you?
They must be genuinely interested in getting to know all of you.
If they're a quality match, they'll want to know where you're from, your stories, and your funny quirk. You'll feel heard and listened to during those conversations.
Suppose they're more interested in talking about themselves and don't value your input on anything. In that case, they're likely not ready for the type of relationship you're looking for.
Remember, if you're looking for a life partner, things won't always be interesting, but they'll always be interested in you.
#3 - Does he show that he’s making you a priority?
Life is always chaotic and hectic.
For anyone and everyone.
But, when someone or something is important to you, you create time in your schedule for it. Right?
For example, if you're busy cleaning the house and your friend called you crying, you would drop everything and offer support, right?
That's because that person is important and a priority to you.
But if you're dating a guy who is rarely free - you're not a priority.
If he isn't texting back all day long - you're not a priority.
If he shows up late to your dates without telling you - you're not a priority.
Relationships can't always be 50/50. But both people should be putting in effort and creating time in their schedules for that other person.
You make time for the important things in life.
And if they're fully interested in you, they'll ensure you know.
#4 - Is this person genuinely emotionally available?
Emotional availability means they're ready and able to share a healthy emotional attachment with another person.
If a man is emotionally available, he'll be happy to talk to you, keep his promises, and put honesty first in your budding relationship.
If he isn't emotionally available, he may not text back frequently, not be interested in your day, and always be out on the town with other people.
It's perfectly okay if he's not emotionally available. That means he's not the right guy for you.
You need someone mature and ready to accept and develop emotions with you.
Emotional availability doesn't just happen overnight. If he claims he's changed, make sure plenty of time passes for that shift to happen.
#5 - How do you feel when you're around this person?
We've all heard the stereotype of butterflies and hearts thumping, but that's not what we're talking about. When you're around this man, do you feel safe?
Appreciated?
Beautiful?
Comfortable?
The way a person makes you feel is essential.
In long-term relationships, you want to feel specific ways around your partner. You should generate more positive feelings than anything else. If you're not feeling positive and vibrant around this person after a few dates, they may not be the right person for you.
#6 - Do you share common core values?
Values are a bit of an enigma that often gets mistaken for characteristics.
Values are what you hold to be important in life, things you keep in high regard that have value or worth to you.
Not everyone shares the same values, and that's okay.
In fact, you don't even have to share most of the values with a partner. You just have to be empathetic and compassionate with their values.
For example, maybe he has a huge family, always spending time with one relation or another.
Meanwhile, you're disconnected from your relations and put more emphasis on your friends and other loved ones.
Those two things are compatible because you understand the significance of those people in your partner's life.
But suppose you believe in equality for all and social justice. Meanwhile, he holds traditional values and a patriarchal structure, and you may not go make it in the long run.
Consider what values are essential to you and what ones you want to see in a potential partner.
#7 - Does he show that he respects your boundaries?
Boundaries are critical in deciding potential compatibility.
A genuine match for you will respect your boundaries and show they value your comfort and safety.
We're not talking about boundaries around adventure or food choices. We're talking about perhaps parts of your life you like to keep separate.
The speed at which you want to move in a relationship.
Or even physical boundaries around how you like to be touched and when.
Suppose a date shows that they don't respect your boundaries by asking too many questions. Or they touch you inappropriately. In that case, you can bet they won't suddenly gain respect for your boundaries later.
Keep a watchful eye on how they treat you and others to see if they respect other people's needs and choices about boundaries.
#8 - How does this person handle stressful situations?
You're looking for a real grown-up relationship, right?
Assuming that's the case, you're likely aware that life is stressful at the best times.
Especially when you start to build a life together with a partner, you need to know that they will be reliable and helpful when things get tough.
Stress is just a fact of life.
Getting frustrated is one thing, but blowing up whenever something doesn't go their way is entirely another.
This would be a huge red glad to watch out for.
Pay close attention if you're on a date with a guy trying to determine if you're compatible.
If you notice that he gets upset when they don't have the meal he wanted to order, carefully monitor his reaction.
Make sure that he can handle the severe issues that come up in life. Otherwise, he's not a good choice for you in the long term.
#9 - Is this person interested and invested in his self-improvement?
A healthy, high-quality relationship should push you to become your best version.
But, that person should be interested in their own self-improvement without the support and motivation of their partner.
Suppose a guy isn't interested in changing or improving anything about himself. In that case, he may not be a quality long-term partner.
Life is all about growing and changing who you are.
We're constantly in a cycle of improvement and editing. That's the natural course of things.
So if this guy isn't interested in learning new skills, trying new things, or improving themselves, you may want to keep hunting.
#10 - Do you feel comfortable expressing your needs to him?
Again, I’m analyzing the short-term to make predictions about the potential long-term.
In a healthy and happy long-term relationship, you need to be able to express not only your needs and wants.
Communicating the things you need to a partner is a daily fact of life. If you're not comfortable articulating these things with your suitor in the first place, it likely doesn't bode well for the long term.
But also consider yourself first.
Suppose you've learned from unhealthy and harmful situationships that expressing your needs to a guy is dangerous. In that case, you're not going to feel comfortable talking about those things to a partner at first, ever.
Consider whether your discomfort is learned harmful behavior rather than the other person.
Your needs and wants are essential, and someone who values you and cares about you will want to hear them.
#11 - Does he have similar long-term goals?
These are important and can be challenging to bring up immediately.
This is also likely the most obvious question.
But asking things and getting honest answers about:
Does he want kids?
What kind of place does he want to live in?
Is he interested in travel?
You need these things and deserve to know from the get-go.
If they don't share similar visions of a potential future together, then you won't want to waste your time.
If you're trying to change who he is from the start, then you're settling for an unhealthy relationship.
#12 - Is he able to admit when he’s wrong?
A good chunk of relationships in the modern era is better on whether something you "know" is actually correct.
This is also an excellent way to determine how your potential match handles being wrong.
Suppose they're a sore loser and lash out or adamantly defend their position despite obvious and contrary evidence. In that case, that doesn't bode well for the future.
Pay attention to how he handles it. See if he can admit to being wrong. He may show you he’s not as mature as you want.
#13 - Do you feel like you can trust this person?
Without trust, there isn't really a relationship.
The ability to trust a person can be perceived almost from the first time you meet.
You may feel comfortable telling them embarrassing stories or sharing a little too much information about yourself.
These are all indicators that you feel comfortable trusting this person. You might be able to trust them with more important things in the future, such as your heart and fidelity.
You need to know that when your partner says something, they not only mean it but that it is genuinely the truth.
Because questions of whether someone is lying, even about minor things, will always arise in long-term relationships.
Feeling and knowing you can trust your partner are critical for you to have a potential future together.
Have trouble finding a person you're compatible with?
There could be a million reasons why you keep kissing frogs rather than prince charming.
The only way to know is to get outside opinions and help.
If you're ready to stop wasting your time on toxic situationships and short-term flings, then you need the help of a dating expert.
That's where coaching with me comes in. A dating coach can help you make plans, choose guys, and create a path forward for you through the fog and haze of the perils of dating in the 21st century.
Dating doesn't have to be complicated.
You deserve whoever you want.
When you're ready to find a meaningful relationship, get in contact with me today for your first free coaching session.
“What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility.”
— Leo Tolstoy
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