Keep Dating Fixer-uppers? What they are, why you keep choosing them, and how to stop dating them
Many people love a good project around the house or long-term self-improvement goals. But if you notice your relationships feel like chores, you may be dating fixer-uppers. Supporting someone's self-improvement can be a great asset to a relationship. Still, it shouldn't be a defining factor in the partners you choose. If your entire relationship style is built around reforming a guy, you're in for a world of hurt.
That's why we've got this little guide for you. We're here to help you learn how to identify fixer-upper men, figure out why you're always dating them, and how to stop dating them for good.
After all, you want a real partner that you can rely on who wants to improve themselves without your help.
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Definition of a fixer-upper
A fixer-upper in the dating world is generally a man who needs improvement. He isn't relationship-ready right off the app. Basically, a man you influence or force to "improve." You do this for your personal benefit and what you believe is the benefit of the relationship.
It's essentially the real-life version of Extreme Makeover with less plastic surgery.
You may find yourself thinking things such as:
"Oh he'd be so much smarter if he went back to school."
"He'd be so much more attractive with a different clothing style."
"Oh he's been emotionally damaged in the past by other relationships, I can be the one to change him."
"Oh he's not looking for anything serious, but I can change his mind once I fix him up a bit."
These are all harmful and fundamentally, well, fucked up thoughts.
You're in a relationship for the person you're with. You're not in it for the potential that a person could be.
Why do women like fixer-uppers?
There are countless reasons why you might be chronically dating fixer-uppers.
Like most things, they usually can be traced back to foundational relationship cycles that we grew up with.
For example, suppose you had a parent with chronic health issues, and you were their caretaker. In that case, you may be choosing fixer-uppers to replicate that dynamic type. That's how you learned to understand love, so you look for that in a partner.
Or perhaps you were constantly taught that no man would ever be good enough for you.
While you do deserve the best, that doesn't mean you should fundamentally change who someone is.
Since no one deserves you, you feel like you deserve a build-a-boyfriend kit and choose fixer-uppers because they seem moldable.
If these sound familiar to you, you need to take some time and reflect on yourself.
You may need to do some emotional growth as well. Dating fixer-uppers is a sign that you're not ready for a relationship right now.
Why you need to stop dating fixer-uppers
You feel like you're always looking for a diamond in the rough. In reality, you're avoiding issues you've never acknowledged or resolved.
When you continually keep dating fixer-uppers, you may actually have a poor sense of self-worth.
Your sense of personal value may only be attached to your physical beauty, or you may lack confidence in your ability to find a partner.
Who you date represents what you believe you deserve.
Need more reasons?
Reason #1 - People can only change themselves
You need a sense of intrinsic value or reward if a person wants to change.
They need to feel motivated to create the change they want to see.
You can't force change upon them and expect it to last.
You're not their mom. You're not their boss. They need to make those choices for themselves.
Reason #2 - It's all about ignoring your own personal issues
When you're focused on something outside you, you're too busy to worry about working on your own personal issues.
Dating fixer-uppers is a way for you to avoid dealing with and resolving your own personal issues.
Stop distracting yourself on your journey. You need time and energy to become the best possible version of yourself.
Reason #3 - Deal with your own shit
Once you've worked through and acknowledged past traumas, you won't waste time on people who need your constant energy to improve.
Once you've become secure in yourself, you'll stop being attracted to project boyfriends. You'll start dating and attracting self-actualized whole-ass adults.
Perhaps you've already realized you're stuck in a cycle of dating fixer-uppers. You're ready to break that cycle and find someone worth keeping the way they are. Either way, congratulations on taking one step closer to the mature relationship you deserve.
How to stop dating fixer-uppers for good
You're ready and willing to change your dating habits and find a real relationship. You know your own self-worth, and you're ready to move forward. Fuck yes, girl, good for you!
So, to stop dating fixer-uppers for good, follow these 4 rules:
Rule #1 - Don’t fall for “potential”
When you look at the person you're considering dating, do you imagine a future "better" version of them that you're working towards?
You find yourself saying, "if only they would…, then they'd be perfect."
These are tricks your mind is playing on you.
You're trying to convince yourself that this guy is worth a shot because if you invest energy and work into him, then he'll be perfect.
Stop seeing the "potential" in someone and just accept them and love them for who they are.
It's as easy as that.
Rule #2 - Listen when he talks about his past
If this guy is still a momma's-boy and doesn't know how to take care of himself, you know you've got a fixer-upper.
A man who has always taken the easy way out until meeting you isn't going to suddenly change those habits.
Maybe he's only ever had short-lived relationships where the ex is always "crazy" or "trying to change him." That sounds a little like you, doesn't it?
If he's telling you he struggles to develop close ties with friends or previous partners, he's really saying something else. The subtext here is he's not mature enough for a real relationship.
Rule #3 - Does he remind you of your ex?
Dating fixer-uppers is more of a long-term thing than most people realize.
If all your exes were fixer-uppers with "great potential," you may repeatedly be attracting the same types of men. Including the one you're with now.
So, if you start dating a new guy, and he seems familiar, maybe you feel comfortable with him immediately. That may be because he reminds you of an ex.
Falling into fixer-upper relationships happens easily and quickly. You see their potential and have good intentions - if only you can fundamentally change who he is.
Rule #4 - You deserve to be a priority
When you're ready to stop "saving" men, you will notice you have more energy to invest in yourself and your well-being.
Fixer-uppers take all your time and energy, both physically and emotionally.
After all, you're raising a man child all on your own! Optionally as well!
When you're done with this, you'll start putting yourself first, listening to your heart more, and hearing what your brain has to say.
Investing in yourself will help you stop dating these toxic fixer-uppers and focus on your own self-improvement. So get started on caring for yourself more and dump that dead weight!
The bottom line
When we're dating, we're often trying to recreate previous relationships we've had and "fix them," much like you're trying to fix the man you're with.
You deserve someone who lives up to their own potential without help.
Someone fully developed and grown enough to make changes for themselves and by themselves.
If you continue to date fixer-uppers, it's time to start changing and realizing your previous dating patterns.
Ready for this?
You can get started today with a free dating coach call with me. You'll get help recognizing your toxic relationship patterns and making space for the absolute love of your life.
“True love lives in honesty. We work to be honest with ourselves and honest with each other.”
— Unknown
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