Should You Start Scheduling Sex? Turns out there are a lot of reasons why you should
Scheduling sex could save your relationship. When life gets in the way, and you and your partner no longer have time for intimacy, you start to forget about it. It moves to the back burner, then you push it further and further until it isn't even a topic of discussion anymore.
Scheduling love making means that you and your partner are prioritizing time together and physical intimacy. It means that you both view your sex life as important and that you're willing to make real change.
"Sex should be spontaneous."
"Scheduling sex doesn't sound sexy."
I've heard all the excuses for why you don't want to schedule sex.
But is no sex better than scheduled sex?
I certainly hope not.
Maintaining physical intimacy is critical for ensuring the longevity of a relationship.
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Isn't sex supposed to be spontaneous?
No.
Sex isn't supposed to be anything other than what you want.
Sex is supposed to be what you both enjoy, and sharing that experience.
Media and pornography have conditioned us to believe that the only sex you should be having is spontaneous.
In reality, people have obligations.
People have stress.
People are worried about things other than where you'll have your next orgasm.
People don't get turned on at the touch of a hand.
Do you see the clean-up after sex in a film?
No, according to the media, there is no mess.
Do you see people talking about sex before it happens on TV?
No, according to television, you should have sex before you ever talk about it.
Do you ever hear partners coaching each other about what they want in porn?
No, porn teaches us that we should be mind readers. Also, that harder and faster is the only way to do it.
Real sex is tired sex.
Real sex shows your partner they are important to you by creating time for intimacy in your schedules.
Real sex is about taking the time to set the mood.
Real sex is about talking about what you want and don't want.
Real sex happens between real people in reality.
Delete that fantasy you've built since you were a child.
Start being real and let go of the fairy tale version of sex.
Why do people schedule sex?
If you've noticed that you and your partner(s) are being intimate less than usual, you're not alone.
When life gets in the way, your partners are often the first thing off your "to-do" list.
Stress causes your brain to release the stress hormone. Cortisol causes your libido to shut down and turn you off. However, scheduling sex can help with that.
When you and your partner set time aside for sex and intimacy, you both have something to look forward to.
It's on the calendar.
You don't have to worry about when you'll get lucky next.
Making time for intimacy has benefits for both high and low desire partners.
Benefits for the lower-desire partner
It means that you have time to get excited about having sex.
You can plan out a sexy outfit or think about all the things you want your partner to do to you.
Also, it can take the stress off you of having to "give in" to having sex.
If you feel like your partner is constantly nagging you to get intimate, you won't have to worry anymore!
You can invite your higher-desire partner to stop trying to initiate on "non-sex days."
This decision may help you relax and have the space you desire.
Benefits for the higher desire partner
You know when you're having sex next.
No more rejection when you try at the end of each day.
No more hurt feelings when your partner isn't in "the mood."
No more worrying about when you're going to have sex next.
It's right there, circled on your calendar.
Scheduling will also allow you the time to plan so that you can make the experience memorable for both of you.
How can we start scheduling sex?
First of all, this needs to be a conversation.
One partner can't decide for the both of you. It needs to be a joint decision.
There are a lot of things that you should cover during this talk.
Bring a list of expectations and hopes you have to be totally honest with your partner.
Some topics you should talk about:
Desired frequency of sex
One partner might want it every night, while you may want it once a week or less.
Decide on a frequency that works for both of you.
If you can't decide, start with a lower number and work your way up over time if that feels good to you.
Choose dates
Setting it for every Wednesday at 8:00 pm, for example, is a great option.
However, life does get in the way, so make sure there is room for adjustments.
But make sure you make the night a priority.
You want your partner to feel important.
You want to feel like a priority, right?
So, make your night together more important than going to the bar with friends.
Make it a date
Foreplay doesn't start when you both get naked.
Desire should be a slow burn built up over a while.
Do whatever gets both of you aroused to set the scene. Maybe go out for a nice dinner, order a takeaway meal, or cuddle on the couch first.
Spend the time to feel closer together before you start taking off your pants.
Get excited
Is there something you've wanted to try? A new sex toy you've been eyeing? Want to see your partner in something sexy?
You have the time to plan now.
So, you can grab a few fun things leading up to your sex date to put the spice back in your sex life.
Talk about what you want
Every time, what you want will change.
You can talk about it at the moment or send each other sexy messages throughout the day leading up to your date.
It gives you plenty of time to get creative.
Create the space
If you have kids, get a babysitter.
If you're always thinking about how dirty the house is during sex, then clean it the day before.
If you need a long bubble bath to relax, make time in your schedule to do this first.
Ease the initiation/rejection tension
Agree that the higher-desire partner won't try and initiate outside scheduled sex days.
Agree that the lower-desire partner can initiate if they want.
But, there's no pressure.
Figure out how you'll adjust if one person doesn't want to have sex that day. After all, life happens!
Change things up
If you're in a sexual rut and follow the same steps every time, make a change!
Bring in sex toys, a new lube, a blindfold, whatever feels sexy!
Another idea that is helpful for couples is to take turns being the center of attention.
One night, it's all about you, what you're in the mood for, how long you want it to last, and everything in between.
Then, you switch, and your partner is the one calling the shots.
How do we know if we should start scheduling sex?
That is a decision only you can make. But, if you know that sex is important and it isn’t happening enough, then you can try scheduling it. It can ease the burden of initiation, it can make days feel shorter, and make your arguments less frequent.
Scheduling sex can help just about anyone:
If you’re a new couple and you’re too busy for intimacy.
If you’ve been together for years and it just isn’t happening any more.
If your sex has gotten boring and repetative.
If your partner has higher desire than you.
If your partner has lower desire than you.
If you never make time to use your sex toys.
If you have kids.
If you have pets.
If you’re a human being.
Life gets in the way and that is okay. You just have to find ways to adapt. Scheduling love making can help your intimate lives stay alive.
When scheduling sex isn't enough
The benefits of scheduling sex are plentiful. However, for some people, it just isn't enough. You may be in a sexless marriage. You may no longer touch, kiss, or even hug. The spark has been smothered, and desire isn't there.
It happens more often than you think.
If scheduling sex hasn't improved your connection with your partner and your sex life together, you may need more support.
Get in contact with me today for 1-on-1 or relationship coaching to help you save your relationship.
“Sex is more than na act of pleasure, it’s the ability to be able to feel so close to a person, so connected, so comfortable that it’s almost breathtaking to the point you feel you can’t take it.”
— Thom York
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