Are You Sabotaging Your Relationship? How unspoken needs and expectations can ruin everything
Dating and communication go hand-in-hand. That should go without saying. But, so few were genuinely taught how to communicate in healthy ways. You're in the right place if you think your dating life and communication style aren't working out. As it turns out, you can easily sabotage your intimate relationships by not openly expressing your needs
It takes time and relationship development to be comfortable expressing your desires with a partner.
And that's okay!
You can start learning how to speak about those needs today.
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Why can't I express my needs?
Expressing and communicating your needs wasn't taught to you on more than a surface level growing up. You were likely shamed, guilt-tripped, or even humiliated for expressing your needs as a child. When our primary caregivers don't meet your needs, you can suffer from something called "a lack of attunement."
Lack of attunement means you saw your primary caregivers or parents as unreliable. Your needs weren't important to them, and it was unsafe to ask for things. Therefore, you learned that it was best to remain quiet.
Being made fun of for asking for what you needed likely left an invisible emotional scar. That scar may be making you apprehensive about sharing your feelings with your intimate partners.
Your needs were and still are important.
No one in your life should make you feel unsafe or ashamed for expressing those needs and desires.
The good news is that you can learn to communicate at any time and at any age. It just takes practice and a willingness to learn.
Dating and communication
Dating and relationships are built on a bedrock of trust and honest communication. Not only your needs but your desires, thoughts, stories, and who you are.
Authentic relationships are curated over long talks, honest feedback, and feeling valued for who you are.
When you start dating someone, it's challenging to be your fabulous natural level of weirdness. But that's what relationships lead up to.
The whole real point of a romantic, intimate relationship is to peel back your layers and show your authentic self. In turn, your partner will do the same, and you'll fall in love with the weirdo that the other person truly is.
To encourage your partner to peel back their layers, you must do so yourself. And you can't show who you are without asking for what you need to feel safe.
Dating, communication, & love languages
The five primary love languages are how we, as an individual, understand and seek to receive love. As discussed in my Love Languages article, each person has two primary love languages.
The five love languages are:
Acts of service
Receiving gifts
Physical touch
Quality time
Words of affirmation
While each person needs all five to some degree, you show and understand love best in two ways.
For example:
Imagine your love languages are receiving gifts and quality time.
Therefore, you want to show your partner love by giving them a gift that creates a memory for you two to share.
You choose to give your hard working partner a couple's spa gift certificate.
So you showed them love using your love languages.
But, his primary love languages are words of affirmation and acts of service. In that case, he may not receive your spa gift card with much enthusiasm.
What he'd really like is for you to surprise him with some Ubereats delivered to his door with a cute note.
That's because you're literally speaking different languages when it comes to love.
It's completely common, and it is rare for two partners to share both of the same love languages.
If your partner shows you love in ways they understand, you may not "get it" and start feeling resentful.
That's okay. You can learn to improve your dating communication strategies in ways that work well for you.
How can I communicate better?
You can learn to improve communication between you and your partner in many ways.
The best practices for you will likely differ from your partner, and that is okay.
You just need to express that you have different needs.
All this change, this positivity, and this healthy communication will start after that initial conversation.
Once you've talked things over, you can develop healthy coping strategies together. Doing this means that you'll feel safe asking for what you need.
To communicate your needs more clearly and stop sabotaging your relationship, you need to:
Discuss your communication needs with your partner - If you have past trauma around asking for things you need or are uncomfortable talking about your feelings, you'll have to get creative. There is plenty of space for unique ways to ask for what you need comfortably. You just have to find the recipe that works for both of you.
Talk about how you want your love languages to be shown - You can't change your love languages at the drop of a hat, nor should you. Instead, take the love languages quiz and find out what your primary languages are. Then brainstorm a list of 5-10 ways you like being shown that you love language. Your partner should do the same. After, share your lists, so you know what your partner wants and needs to stay happy.
Make a plan - You'll need to build a plan together that helps you both feel safe asking for what you need. Try practicing reflective listening or even leaving notes around the house may be what works in the beginning. Revisit your ideas every few months and see how those strategies are working for the two of you. Adjust as your needs shift.
Practice asking for what you need - Not just from your intimate partner but in other realms of your life as well. If you get the wrong order at a restaurant, ask for it to be fixed. If someone asks where you want to eat, and you want fried chicken, tell them you want fried chicken. Or, especially if you want a particular gift for your birthday and someone asks what you'd like, just tell them.
Everyone is disappointed when you communicate and need a guessing game.
The people in your life are there to support you, give you what you need, and listen. By telling them what you want, you ensure that you're happy. Your partner also gets to feel active in how love and affection is shown in your relationship.
Creative dating communication strategies
Just because you're not comfortable verbalizing what you want all the time doesn't mean you can't get those needs met.
That's the beauty of dating and communication.
They're unique not only to you but to the relationship you're in.
It's normal and expected to feel awkward asking for things you want.
But with time and practice, you'll get used to it.
Doing this will improve the quality of all the relationships in your life, not only your romantic ones.
Here are some creative ways to get your needs met:
Text it - It sounds obvious, but it does work! Instead of being forced to share your needs and desires aloud, some people feel safer texting. Doing this can help you express what you want and give your partner time to think things over before you see each other next.
Leave notes - While writing things down with your hand may seem old-fashioned. But, it helps you remember things and enables you to express some hidden emotions as well. You can, of course, write a letter, leave post-its around the house, or leave a note on the fringe for your loved one. Writing things down can be therapeutic and helps the request maintain a personal touch.
Sit back-to-back - This style requires you to speak your needs out loud, which is empowering and therapeutic. But, you don't have to look at your partner's face when you say it. Doing this may help you feel safer because your partner isn't looking directly at you when you're vulnerable. Doing this prevents that initial and potentially adverse reaction from being seen. It gives you time to control your thoughts and emotions and choose your response and words wisely.
You have to figure out what works best for you and your partner. Although you may communicate differently, that doesn't make you any less compatible. The defining mark of a healthy relationship is that you're willing to work together against your problems.
It's both of you versus the world, not you against each other.
The bottom line
The bottom line is that dating and communication are inextricably intertwined.
They need each other for the other to work.
Suppose you're uncomfortable asking for what you need and want in your relationship. In that case, you won't be able to develop emotional or intellectual intimacy well. You'll stunt the growth of your relationship, and it can lead to much more significant consequences down the road.
If you want something, you must find a way to feel safe asking for it. Needing and wanting things from a partner is part and parcel of a relationship.
So, start putting yourself and your relationship first and put that communication trauma in the past. Make a plan and start communicating healthily.
If you struggle to meet your needs while dating or in a relationship, you may need some help. These communication skills aren't something you're taught. They can take a long time to research and learn on your own.
That's why dating experts like me are here to help you learn how to date and communicate.
Send me an inquiry if you're ready to stop sabotaging your relationships and want your needs met.
“There is a direct correlation between an increased sphere of comfort and getting what you want.”
— Tim Ferriss
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